Bad News, More Bad News...

Right now I feel numb. I just don't know what to feel anymore. This has become a routine in my life - being diagnosed with diseases, sickness, one after another. Yes, people would say "sabar" and some would say "God loves you" - maybe true but the one who is suffering is this humble superman whom is emotionally drained and grasping on his very thin Iman that he has left to not stray from his beliefs.

The latest news, 2 days ago, I was told that I am having a heart failure with only 44% of my heart functioning. No blockages in the valves whatsoever but the heart is swollen due to the strain from Renal Failure, Diabetes and Hypertension. How do I feel? Yup, saddened of course, otherwise I do not know how to feel anymore.

Partly Contributing to the Shortness of Breath I'm Experiencing

I remember when my late mom had to go for bypass and only survived a month after, she had only 30% of her heart functioning. Mind you 30 and 44 aren't that far. I am scared, yes, but at the same time I couldn't care about it anymore. My life is failing me and all I know now is to be happy and enjoy my life as much as possible. I'm beginning to list down things that I want to do before I leave for good. (I'll post the list someday, hopefully before I go for good).

I went for a CT Thorax again this morning to compare the scan with the previous one to see if the empyema (cavities containing air-fluid) in the lungs are improving. WHAM BAM! I was again served with another bad news, less than a week after knowing that my heart is giving up on me - the empyema has developed into lung abscess which simply means, my condition is getting worse (strangely I am feeling better now compared to a couple of months ago).

CT Thorax SHowing Lung Abscess

Now, with the MRSA gone (according to the latest culture, but according to the doctors it will never be gone - it stays in me for life) I have this burden of heart failure and lung abscess (also caused by MRSA) that would require surgical intervention because prolonged antibiotics (since February) and drainage attempt did not resolve the problem - the cavity is getting larger (previously 8cm, now larger) and has extended into the lungs.

I am not going to think much about my health now as I would like to concentrate on living my life to the fullest - as much as I could as time is getting shorter for me (providing I can still keep my work and have salary coming in every month, sigh!)

Whatever it is I thank God for giving me this opportunity to live life, how short it may be and that He too has given me the opportunity to experience pain - I am sure not many has gone through the suffering like I have (and of course some have definitely suffered more) - I am glad to be able to make friends and have many loving ones around me who has supported me all these while.

I will not and am not giving up easily. I am Superman.