Yang sebenarnya Kal El lately ni sangat bosan. I am so bored that I find going to Giant exciting. Well, since I was amputated boleh kira berapa banyak kali Kal El pi jalan-jalan. Yeap I went to Kota Kinabalu in February and there's the once a month visit to Jusco for grocery shopping plus maybe an extra visit to (again) Jusco for JCard Day last month. Other than that - nil, zero, takde apa. Ok la to be fair, I went to The Gardens last week to get the Transformers ticket at Signatures and esok I'm going there again to watch the movie. Tapi tu je la.
On weekends Kal El tak pergi mana, terperap kat rumah sorang-sorang since KN as usual balik rumah parents dia and lately ni dia balik lambat sangat on Sundays. Kalau dulu-dulu petang dah balik by 3 or 4pm kadangkala tu pagi lagi dah sampai. Lately ni selagi tak gelap, tak malam dia takkan sampai rumah.
I am not complaining (hehehe abis tu apa ke namanya ni?) Kal El bersyukur I still go out to work and can enjoy the MRR2 scenery everytime, to and from work and once a while kalau ada meetings kat KLCC ke, I get tosee the scenery from office to KLCC and back. I just need to pour this out. Sometimes I feel sesak nafas having to stay indoors all the time. I haven't been driving and since the car currently is manual manouvre, I can forget about ever wanting to drive. I depend on others to take me around tapi there's just no one to do so.
My siblings dengan hidup diorang, well, I know they love me but I can't them and interrupt their lives just to take me out tapi apa salahnya once in a while do so with a brother? I know somehow KN pi jalan-jalan bila dia balik Shah Alam, without me. I don't blame KN at all. Mungkin dia rasa leceh bawa orang kurang upaya macam Kal El ni. Ye la, jalan lambat, susah nak panjat tangga, kene pimpin, cepat letih, and I have to stricly follow my dialysis schedule - every 5 hours otherwise I'll have to plan my outings (if ever there was going to be any lah). Atau mungkin dia malu punya seseorang seperti aku.
I cannot say much. KN has done alot for me lately. Kalau aku bising or complain I will sound macam tak kenang budi but I just want my life to be like it was before - I want to gout for weekly movies, pi karaoke, gastronomic outings. I am tired of having to stay home especially on weekends. When at home, I am confined to my bedroom, nak tengok astro pun tak lalu. I watch movies (kekadang 5 - 6 movies per weekend), TV series downloaded from the Internet and godeh-godeh Internet dengan laptop ni. I have plenty of office work but weekends? Please la, nak fikir pasal kerja pun malas on weekends.
Most of the time Kal El sedih. On Sundays I would be waiting and hoping KN would come back early and take me out sampaikan everytime I would end up going to bed early just to cover my frustration. But how can I tell KN what I want? Kesian kat dia pun...
I just wish things are not so much different than before my leg was amputated or before I am diagnosed with renal failure. Sampaikan our trip to Makassar in April pun KN cancelled. Aku turutkan aja sebab afterall, KN yang akan jaga Kal El kat sana nanti. Takpe lah, burn saja tiket tu, what's done cannot be undone and Air Asia pun takkan bagi refund. Let it be.
Right now I will say yes walau ke mana pun orang ajak aku pergi. I just want the opportunity to go out to see the world. I have lost so much in life and this shouldn't be one of it. I work hard to be able to enjoy what I earn. It's frustrating, dissapointing that the fruits of my labor cannot be tasted but instead habis bayar loan and what nots.
I'm sorry for writing like this but I just need to get it out my system. There's no flow to what I wrote, theres no coherence even.
I am trapped, I am jailed inside my own home.
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