Siapa sangka semasa Planet Krypton hampir musnah JOR-EL telah melepaskan sebuah lagi kapal angkasa selepas KAL-EL yang berjaya mendarat di Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Anaknya ini dinamakan Syahr-El...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Luahan Hati Seorang Adik/Abang

Di pagi Ahad yang indah ni sesuai untuk Kal El melihat kembali tentang dua perkara; kasih sayang dan ahli keluarga. Dua perkara yang Kal El ada tapi bukan datang dari punca yang sama. Sad but true.

Siblings Love

Benarkah kasih sayang adik beradik itu lebih jitu daripada sayang kawan-kawan sehinggakan timbul peribahasa Air Kalau Dicincang Takkan Putus - itu hanya mungkin mengatakan tentang pertalian darah tapi bukan semestinya kasih sayang yang patut datang bersamanya.

Kal El tak menafikan kasih sayang ibu bapa, dan dalam kes Kal El seorang yang bukan ibu (makcik) tapi kasihnya pada Kal El lebih dari seorang yang melahirkan Kal El. Kasih sayang mereka dapat Kal El rasa dan mungkin itu yang pentingnya. Namun, di kala si Ibu telah kembali ke rahmatullah dan si Ayah sudah tua tidak berdaya dan si Makcik pula berkerusi roda, siapa lagi yang patut Kal El harapkan dikala Kal El memerlukan?

Sudah tentu pada adik beradik; Kakak dan Adik yang Kal El ada.


Ya, kami hanya bertiga tapi terlalu ketara sikap engkau-engkau, aku-aku dalam diri kami. Masing-masing dengan hal sendiri sampaikan Kal El merempat dalam hospital selama lebih 3 bulan ni tidak dihiraukan. Malah boleh kira dengan jari Kal El yang tak cukup satu ni berapa banyak kali mereka datang melawat Kal El di hospital, apatah lagi membantu menjaga Kal El?

Kal El kecewa, jika dahulu Kal El percaya dalam menempuh masalah, adik beradik dululah yang patut Kal El minta pertolongan dahulu tapi kini tidak lagi. Mereka bagai semakin jauh dengan sikap tidak kepedulian mereka. Agaknya mereka malu punya adik beradik cacat seperti Kal El, seorang Superman yang hanya Super di dalam hatinya tapi tidak secara fizikal. Mungkin sebab Kal El mungkin kehilangan pekerjaan dan bukan lagi lubuk untuk mereka meminjam wang (khas untuk kakak ku) atau mungkin mereka terlalu sibuk dengan kehidupan sendiri, kawan-kawan mereka, anak mereka, bekas suami mereka, atau apa saja angan-angan yang mereka ingin capai dalam hidup sehingga mengabaikan si cacat ini.

Kal El bukan terlalu mengharapkan kasih sayang mereka tapi hampa dengan sikap mereka, Si Adik tak pernah bertanya khabar dan kalau bukan untuk membawa si Makcik yang berkerusi roda melawat abangnya, hilang khabar berita entah hidup entah mati, Kal El pun tak tahu. SMS yang amat murah kosnya kini pun tak pernah berhantar bertanya khabar. Sesekali bila datang menjenguk bersama si Makcik berkerusi roda, mukanya masam mencuka seperti terpaksa. Hati mana yang tak sayu melihat adiknya begitu?

Si Kakak pula rajin bertanya khabar melalui SMS walau amat jarang sekali datang menjenguk tapi soalan yang ditanya amat menyakitkan hati seperti "Kau sihat?" 'Huh, kalau aku sihat aku dah balik rumah" jawabku dalam hati. Dan bila Kal El dirumah pun walaupun dia tinggal amat berdekatan amat jarang sekali menjenguk dan bertanya khabar. Alasannya Kal El tak beri dia kunci rumah. Hmmm buat apa nak beri kunci rumah pada semua orang? Tidak cukupkah si Ayah ada menyimpan satu set? Dan kalau menghubungi melalui SMS atau telefon pun pasti pada hujung-hujung bulan bila dia kesempitan wang.

Entahlah. Kal El dah tak sanggup nak fikirkan semua ini tapi ia amat mengganggu fikiran ini. Sampaikan bila sekali sekala yang amat jarang kala itu mereka datang menjenguk, Kal El dah tak pandai hendak berkomunikasi dengan mereka, malah rasa marah dan benci meluat-luat membuak dalam dada.


Kal El meluahkan hati disini dengan harapan kesedihan hati ini dapat dipujuk, bukan mengaibkan sesiapa dan bukan membemci sesiapa. Kasih sayang Kal El pada mereka masih utuh dan tak mungkin Air Yang Dicincang Akan Putus...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bad News, More Bad News...

Right now I feel numb. I just don't know what to feel anymore. This has become a routine in my life - being diagnosed with diseases, sickness, one after another. Yes, people would say "sabar" and some would say "God loves you" - maybe true but the one who is suffering is this humble superman whom is emotionally drained and grasping on his very thin Iman that he has left to not stray from his beliefs.

The latest news, 2 days ago, I was told that I am having a heart failure with only 44% of my heart functioning. No blockages in the valves whatsoever but the heart is swollen due to the strain from Renal Failure, Diabetes and Hypertension. How do I feel? Yup, saddened of course, otherwise I do not know how to feel anymore.

Partly Contributing to the Shortness of Breath I'm Experiencing

I remember when my late mom had to go for bypass and only survived a month after, she had only 30% of her heart functioning. Mind you 30 and 44 aren't that far. I am scared, yes, but at the same time I couldn't care about it anymore. My life is failing me and all I know now is to be happy and enjoy my life as much as possible. I'm beginning to list down things that I want to do before I leave for good. (I'll post the list someday, hopefully before I go for good).

I went for a CT Thorax again this morning to compare the scan with the previous one to see if the empyema (cavities containing air-fluid) in the lungs are improving. WHAM BAM! I was again served with another bad news, less than a week after knowing that my heart is giving up on me - the empyema has developed into lung abscess which simply means, my condition is getting worse (strangely I am feeling better now compared to a couple of months ago).

CT Thorax SHowing Lung Abscess

Now, with the MRSA gone (according to the latest culture, but according to the doctors it will never be gone - it stays in me for life) I have this burden of heart failure and lung abscess (also caused by MRSA) that would require surgical intervention because prolonged antibiotics (since February) and drainage attempt did not resolve the problem - the cavity is getting larger (previously 8cm, now larger) and has extended into the lungs.

I am not going to think much about my health now as I would like to concentrate on living my life to the fullest - as much as I could as time is getting shorter for me (providing I can still keep my work and have salary coming in every month, sigh!)

Whatever it is I thank God for giving me this opportunity to live life, how short it may be and that He too has given me the opportunity to experience pain - I am sure not many has gone through the suffering like I have (and of course some have definitely suffered more) - I am glad to be able to make friends and have many loving ones around me who has supported me all these while.

I will not and am not giving up easily. I am Superman.

Friday, May 21, 2010

How's This for a Permanently New Look?

Ahahahah this was taken on March 21, 2010 when I was home for that 2 days after being discharged from HKL and before being readmitted to Ampang Hospital the next day.

So, what do you think of this new look? Hebatkan? I was amazed at how brave I was to let Amir shave my head bald (actually I thought he was shampooing my hair until I realized the shampoo smells rather funny) This was actually the first time in my whole 34 years of life I've shaven my head bald.

Should I keep it this way permanently next time or I look better with hair? There was never a bald Superman before. This is more a Lex Luthor kinda thingy! I personally think I look like an alien... so burooookkk one with that round egg shaped head of mine lah.

Seriously I look funny right? Yes I think I do look kinda funny like the aliens in the 1990s Coneheads.

So, it's a No No for me!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Bila Sakaratul Maut Datang Menjemput

Tatkala Kal El menaip entry ini Kal El berada di wad nefrologi PPUM untuk tujuan dialysis. Sejak dalam keadaan kritikal tempoh hari memang Kal El dihantar ke sini (dan bukannya di pusat dialisis PPUM seperti biasa). kerana berdekatan dengan doktor jika berlaku apa=apa yang tidak dijangka. Di sini Kal El ditumpangkan selama 4 jam sahaja dan akan kembali ke wad Kal El setelah dialysis selesai.

Setiba Kal El di wad ini, seorang Hamba Allah di sebelah katil Kal El sedang nazak, menunggu panggilan Illahi dan saudara mara beliau penuh mengelilingi katil. Banyak kali Kal El masuk hospital banyak kali juga sempat melihat malah mendengar tentang kematian tapi inilah kali pertama Kal El melihat dengan mata sendiri seseorang sedang diambil nyawanya untuk menemui Penciptanya.

Memang amat sedih dan sayu sekali keadaan di sini dengan iringan bacaan Yassin yang suci dan bisikan Lailahaillallah (tiada tuhan selain Allah) di telinga pesakit oleh anak lelaki beliau. Syukur
Alhamdulillah beliau mempunyai anak-anak yang soleh. InsyaAllah.

Keadaan ini mengigatkan Kal El, menyedarkan dan menginsafi diri ini apabila tiba giliran Kal El begini siapakah yang akan membisikan kalimah syahadah ke telinga ini? Kal El tak punya anak apatah lagi anak yang soleh. Keadaan ini juga menyedarkan Kal El betapa sakitnya apabila nyawa akan dicabut Sakaratul Maut dan betapa sedikitnya amalan Kal El selama ini sebagai benteng menahan kesakitan tersebut.

Marilah kita sedekah bacaan surah Al-Fatihah untuk Allahyarhammah yang baru pergi mengadap Penciptanya (di kala entry ini sedang ditaip) dan juga kepada diri sendiri sebagai bekalan di akhiran nanti. InsyaAllah.

AlFatihah.

Kal El
Sent from my iPhone

Monday, May 17, 2010

Critical for Awhile...


I was a little critical the past three days that i missed updating this blog and had to sent my laptop home since the nurses were moving me around (transfering me from room to room for better and easier observation). I had to be put on by pep (the near-full-face 


breathing mask in the picture) and had to tolerate the loud beeping of the machine. Blood pressure too had to be taken every hourly as when i had the shortness of breath on thursday my bp shot up and went haywire. Alhamdulillah today im back on venti mask and off the by pep machine. Breathing is slightly better but still have to be oxygen dependent. I am feeling a little frustrated as i was hoping to get better real soon and return home but looks like is getting farther to be reached.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

OMG! OMG! OMG!


Above: Dato' Sheila, Kal El and Amir (The Man Behind the Surprise)
Below: My 'Ratu' and I


It was a very pleasant surprise indeed. A couple of days ago, Azman, a close friend of Dato' Sheila Majid came to visit me at the hospital. It was an honor really and I was so happy. Today the jazz diva herself turned up right after my dialysis session - my expression according to Amir - Oh My Goddddd! - ahhh I was rendered speechless and my jaw must have dropped to the floor. Nasib baik tak terjun katil!It was really an exciting 15 minutes with Sheila Majid and I really appreciate her appreciating her fans (like me of course) and came in between interviews to cheer me up. I only have Amir and Iza Sofea to thank for telling Sheila my story. Rupa-rupanya Azman datang nak check whether the story is true or not. Heheheheheh

Azman and the Her World Mother's Day Edition 2010 (A Gift from Azman)

Guess what, I can consider myself the happiest person on earth right now. I must be grinning all the way typing happily telling everyone that my 'Ratu' came to visit me at the hospital. Tak sangka on my 3rd month anniversary staying in the hospital I got a very special gift. So it was worth the three month suffering and the pain I went through (kan kene think positive kan?)
Sheila brought me her CD Box Set, signed!, a Sheila 25 year t-shirt in her own 25 year bag - superb. Enjoy the pics and I've enjoyed her brief but really meaningful company. Yng paling best I was listening to her Dengarkanlah when she stepped in and I could see she was flattered.

The Stuff she Brought Me

To Dato' Sheila, may you continue to prosper and and may Allah be with you always. I have nothing more to say except I Love You SHEILA MAJID!!! Thank you so much!

Errr how to sleep ah tonite?

Sheila's gifts for me...

Pindah Lagi...Ada Pencurikkkk!!!

Tak... bukan pindah rumah tapi pindah wad. Sepanjang kat PPUM ni dalam masa seminggu dah 3 kali pindah bilik and now pindah wad pulak. I was sent 1 floor down to Wad Perubatan 1 from Wad Perubatan 2. Reason being - I dunno maybe I am no longer in the critical stage and need not close observation agaknya. Well, any moving around is good for me (so that I wouldn't be stuck at one place for too long; change of view, people and environment).

So instead of having to move to a new room, I was moved to a new ward in PPUM - just one floor down but I never cared to ask why - well, after three months in the hospital you'd never care less as long as the place is comfy and you'll have the privacy you need - I am now in the same one bedded room, air conditioned (thank good and it's cold like freezer in here) a huge bathroom but still am stuck on the bed. Sigh...

Tapi bukan tu nak citer ni. This entry is about some dishonest person who sempat tibai (curik) my Ferrari Uomo perfume given by my one true love as a get well gift. Dah tak dapek den nak melaram mewangi-wangikan diri di dalam spital ni.

I was sent to the new ward half hour before midnight and since I could barge from my bed, the nurses and the ward attendant helped me to pack my things and send them down. Again sebab my butt is so stuck on the bed, I could not check if everything was in. Nak dijadikan cerita early the next morning, the new ward nurse put three small plastic bags on my bed saying that thpse were just sent my the old ward - laaaa barang-barang dalam laci tak ambil semalam... hampeh tul and when I went through my things - rahhhhh! the Ferrari Uomo was not there! The only thing missing.

So, I called the nurse yang hantar the plastic bags tadi and she insisted that was all that was being sent. I asked her to check with the old ward (since it was only a few minutes before her shift ends) she refused. Luckily KN came right after and KN went upstairs to ask the nurse yang hantar my things tadi - she insisted that there was no perfume in the drawer. Laaaaa takkan perfume tu jalan sendiri kot?

I was so upset yesterday, not because the perfume was expensive but it was a gift from someone i cared most. Memang la sapa yang mencurik tu tak senang duduk la dia nanti and I hope if he or she uses the perfume it will be the most busuk smell he or she has ever encountered dan melekatlah sampai dia mati sekali pun. Ni doa orang teraniaya nih... geramnye!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Effects of MRSA to the Bone

One of the disseminated MRSA affected parts of my body was my index finger. It started in February while I was still in HKL. The HKL Ortho doctor had aspirated a liquid confirmed to be MRSA infected but the swelling did not subside. I was told that nothing more could be done but the exercise the finger as it couldn't be straightened anymore.


When I was in Ampang Hospital the swelling got worse and it started to be painful. When the Ortho doctor there checked and an x-ray was done he told me the bad news - my left index finger had to be amputated. Oh no! Not another limb!But in order to prevent the infection from eating up more of my bones, the finger had somehow to be removed. The bone of my index finger had become hallow and thank God for the prolonged Vancomycin (antibiotics) I had been taking since February for the MRSA had slowed down the infection there.


There is however a lump on my elbow that could somehow be an effect of MRSA. Another x-ray was done and that goodness it was not badly affected. I was afraid if it was, I had to lose the whole arm. Well, I can tolerate having a bilateral Below Knee Amputation but not losing an arm as I am depending much on the arm to move about (at least to shift me from one place to another on the bed)


So I went for a Ray's Amputation of the left index finger at Ampang Hospital somewhere in mid April 2010. Gladly the finger was buried, like my feet, beside my mom's grave. I am sad yes but at the same time I am glad that the infection on the bone was discovered early so that I had to lose no more than a finger. I'll learn to adapt having no index finger somehow.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Very Thai @ Berjaya Times Square KL


This is a backdated entry before I was 'jailed' in the hospital for three months... We were at Berjaya Times Square to get a book and had lunch at the Very Thai Restaurant there. Food was ok although they were a little overpriced (well, I guess it was the location). What KN had could taste better elsewhere I'm sure and mine was nice except that the extra chilli I ordered did not arrived.

My chicken rice and the soup that came with it

KN had the Nasi Daun Selasih and I had Thai Chicken Rice (hmmm didn't know what was so Thai about it) though...

KN's Nasi Daun Selasih

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Dengarkanlah...


Here's Sheila's new single - Dengarkanlah... - sedap gila! I can listen to it over and over again for hours (well, the last one was 5 hours none stop) Aiseh, why la my dad refused to masuk minang her for me when she was still available dulu (I would love to hear her voice 24 hours a day).

To Datuk Sheila, all the best to you, congrats for these fabulous 25 years in the music industry (and 1 film - tipah tertipu!) May you continue to prosper and entertain us forever. I love you so much (for her voice and of course hehehe kalau dapat kawen ngan dia pun best - jangan marah ye Acis)

Happy Mothers' Day 2010

Photo (c) of the owner

Kal El wishes Happy Mother's Day to all mothers in Malaysia and around the world especially to my late mom, to Ka'Ngah and Mak.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Break Too Long!

This blog was abandoned for nearly three months not because I have given up blogging and sharing my story but because I was hospitalized for that duration - I could have posted some entries but not until today that I feel a little better.

It all started after we came back from Cambodia for our long due vacation (I will eventually post about the trip someday). Remember the permanent catheter that was inserted in January? (Refer here) It somehow got infected and that was how things started. I have had this bacteria called MRSA in me when I had my right leg amputated in 2008 and since I am and ESRF (End stage renal failure) patient and diabetic, my immune system is very low thus making me susceptible to this bacteria - each time I am hospitalized.


I went to Ampang Hospital to get treatment for prolonged fever and backache on February 12, 2010 and was admitted, diagnosed with Pneumonia secondary to MRSA (more article on MRSA here). Spent a week there and had to be transferred to HKL to remove the permanent catheter as that was the point of infection (I may have gotten it when hospitalized for the insertion as I had an open wound then) While in Ampang I had another stroke attack affecting the right side of my body. Alhamdulillah my limbs could now be moved after sessions of physiotherapy.

I was discharged from HKL on march 19, 2010. The doctor there suspected that I have abscess in my lungs and set an appointment for me to see a respiratory specialist the very next week. The bronchoscopy done while I was in HKL showed multiple cavities in the right lungs but the presence of puss couldn't be confirmed. Unfortunately only after 2 days being discharged I had to be sent back to Ampang due to severe SOB (shortness of Breath) and was re admitted on March 22, 2010.

After over a month in Ampang I was advised by the specialist in Ampang to be transferred to PPUM (University Malaya Medical Center) as there are no ID (Infectious Diseases - my case, lower respiratory tract infection secondary to MRSA) specialist in Ampang. So, after more than a month in Ampang, I was transferred to PPUM on April 29, 2010.

While in Ampang, the MRSA bacteria had attacked more parts of the body affecting the left stump (yes if you didn't already know, I have lost my left footie too end of last year - will also write about this some time soon hopefully) The bacteria has also attacked my left index finger besides the lungs (that's the reason why its called disseminated MRSA) resulting to more operations being done to drain the puss from the left stump and removal of my left index finger (yup another amputation!)


On the 6th day in PPUM and after another CT Thorax was done, I undergone another surgery to insert a drainage pipe to remove the puss that has been accumulating in my lungs. It is a really satisfactory experience seeing globs of puss coming out of me and being collected in a urine bag. My breathing becomes better (thus the blog entry) although still oxygen dependent. Hopefully everything will be well soon and the MRSA infected be settled and I could go back to my home sweet home.

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