"One thing I'm not gonna do is chase staying alive,"

The Late Patrick Swayze

I have always envied Patrick Swayze for his talent in dancing. Being the overweight child I was, I had always danced alone in my bedroom watching Dirty Dancing over and over again. Wow, have I not always wanted to dance like him (but that of course, never came true).

Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing

My first movie outing with friends in my high school years was to watch Point Break and again it was Patrick Swayze's movie. In college, we were hooked up laughing and enjoying To Wong Foo where Patrick Swauze acted a cross-dresser and my god, the movie was and still hilarious!

Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo

Something that I may not have realized, how much I have actually grown up watching and enjoying Patrick Swayze's movies and how much his movies had lived part of my dreams to dance. After a 20 month battle against pancreatic cancer, today we bid farewell to this very talented actor/dancer. Goodbye Patrick. 2009 seems to be a year famous people die.

Patrick Swayze in Ghost

Here's the news from ABC News

Actor Patrick Swayze died today after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer his publicist confirmed to ABC News. He was 57. "Patrick Swayze passed away peacefully today with family at his side after facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months," his publicist, Annett Wolf, said in a statement released Monday evening.

Patrick Swayze in Point Break

Swayze, best known for starring in the blockbuster films "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost," sais he was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008. His last television interview was in December 2008 with ABC News' Barbara Walters. Swayze spoke candidly to Walters about his prognosis and vowed to fight his cancer and "keep my heart and my soul and my spirit open to miracles." "One thing I'm not gonna do is chase staying alive," Swayze said, "You spend so much time chasing staying alive, you won't live" "He fought the bravest battle and sadly lost," Walters said today. "My heart goes out to his wonderful Lisa, his wife and soulmate for 34 years."

Swayze's Rise to Stardom

From the time he could walk, Swayze, whose mother was a dance instructor and choreographer, took dance lessons in his hometown of Houston. Swayze's father, on the other hand, was a great outdoorsman, which is where Swayze got his love for horses. His primary passion growing up was dancing, but eventually Swayze was forced to stop because of injuries and began investing his energy into acting. He moved to New York and had his first big break in the Broadway musical "Grease" in 1978. His popularity on the Great White Way soon led him to Hollywood, where he appeared in a teenage movie called "Skatetown USA." Although he was compared to Rudolph Valentino and John Travolta, Swayze decided not to go the route of being a teenage idol. Instead, he chose to pursue films such as "The Outsiders" and the television miniseries "North and South." Swayze achieved true stardom with the biggest break of his life, starring as the gyrating dance instructor Johnny Castle in 1987's "Dirty Dancing" opposite co-star Jennifer Gray. He earned a Golden Globe nomination for his role, along with a cult-like following of fans. He received another nomination for his 1990 blockbuster "Ghost," in which he starred alongside Demi Moore and Whoopi Goldberg. He was named by People magazine as the "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1991. Swayze continued acting in films, including "Point Break," "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar" and "Donnie Darko."

Oakleaf Park T.E.R.B.A.K.A.R!

(c) Panoramio

Kal El memang angin dengan budak-budak yang main mercun kat Oakleaf Park ni. Bising dan mengganggu ketenteraman. Tiap-tiap kali jugak Kal El doakan agar tangan mereka ke jari mereka ke putus. Jahat doa Kal El (lepas tu boleh la geng sama, dah jadik OKU kan) tapi mereka ini tak umpamakan orang lain. Tidak kah ibu bapa mereka terfikir untuk menasihati anak-anak kerana ada penghuni yang tua, ada yang sakit jantung (i'm sure) dan juga ada yang mungkin sedang mentelaah untuk menghadapi major exams tahun ni.

(c) Realestate.net.my

Kalau setakat main bunga api atau mercun biasa tak mengapa. Ini siap masukkan mercun dalam tin/botol agar bunyinya seperti meriam buluh. Dah la kondo ni kalau sebarang letupan memang bergema. Yang makin Kal El angin ialah yang bermain mercun ni budak-budak bangsa Kal El (bukan Kryptonian tapi bangsa yang lagi satu - Melayu ler) Dah la bukan culture Melayu main mercun ni. Kalau Chinese New Year paham la jugak sebab tu adat mereka, tapi tak kira la perayaan apa sekalipun (CNY ke, Christmas ke, Deepavali ke semua yang main mercun kat Oakleaf Park tu budak-budak Melayu)

(c) Panoramio

Pagi tadi selepas subuh berlaku satu insiden. Pernah dulu mercun terbang masuk satu unit kondo. Nasib baik tak jadi apa-apa masa tu. Pagi tadi budak-budak jahat ni telah meletupkan sebuah lif di Blok B. Kan ke mencari nahas namanya tu? Kalau terbakar satu blok kan ke susah? Baik-baik dapat beraya, jadi tragedi pulak. Kalau sendiri dan keluarga sendiri susah tak mengapa ni satu blok susah sebab tak dapat menggunakan lif.

(c) SyahrinAziz.com

Patut la pagi tadi dari Blok Kal El terbau hangit - nak sampai 11 tingkat tu! Dan ada bomba dan polis di Oakleaf Park. Budak-budak ni bukan tau the sense of belonging sebab bukan diorang yang keluarkan duit beli rumah. Mereka menumpang mak bapak je kat situ. Yang si mak bapak pula, lepaskan dan biarkan saja anak nak buat apa.., Kalau duduk kampung tak apa, selamat tapi kat kawasan kondo? Baik-baik terlepas malapetaka tanah runtuh Disember tahun 2008 karang ditimpa pula malapetaka kebakaran. Siapa nak tanggung?

Berikut ada keratan akhbar Utusan Online hari ini.

I hate my W.E.E.K.E.N.D.S

NOT!

It's nearly 7 years - this October it would be and I just can't wait for us to grow old together. I am happy. I am absolutely happy. NO doubt in any relationship there would be some glitches but I think we have always managed to solve any problems that came passing by. They are just problems that could be solved if we both put our hearts into it.

It's nearly seven years too that I've spent 99.98% of my weekends alone. I used to go back to Melawati to spend time with my side of the family but ever since I started dialysis I seldom go home. I'd be at my dad's house for about 4 - 5 hours on Saturdays or Sundays then I'm back home doing an exchange.

Well, I am not complaining (but I am) I have long accepted my life now as it is. I know I am strong like nobody could and would imagine I am. I am pretty sure that Mummy would be very impressed if she was still alive at how strong her son really is. Yes, on the outside. I am strong on the outside but only God knows what goes on the inside. I live my life by the day and never look too far ahead and never anymore hope for things that I am not sure of getting. But there's something I really want and I'm sure I want it bad.

I want a weekend like anybody else. A weekend spent with his loved one. Do things together but that has remained a dream that I have kept all to myself ever since it all started 7 years ago. How could I ever be so selfish and want it to be our weekend when my dear has to be with the other side of the family. Settle things that need settling and spending time with the parents (I truly hope) and childhood friends.

But deep inside me I want to go places on weekends, cook for two or at least wake up late together on a Sunday afternoon - things that I have been deprived of the last 7 years. I just do not know the pleasures of a weekend. I am plain weekend bored and lonely and I don't think I can take it anymore...what should I do?

I E.N.V.Y HER

Ya Allah... right now I am really envious of the late Yasmin Ahmad.

Her parents are talking about her on Majalah 3 and how I wish I could've been that kind of child to my own parents. According to arwah's mom Yasmin tak pernah meninggi suara dan tak pernah menyakiti hati ibu bapanya. Her parents cried on national TV for they have lost a real gem in their life. She was indeed a real good daughter and I am pretty sure it's the Jannah for such person who had never hurt her parents' feelings. InsyaAllah.

Goodbye Yasmin Ahmad

Al-Fatihah.
I cried, I just don't know why…it's just so sad.
No more good Malaysian movies to look forward to I guess
That's why.

Sent from my iPhone

I N.E.E.D

Right now, i really and badly need a HOBBY! I am just easily bored tapi tak tau nak buat apa. Ever since I lost my leg and have to go on dialysis 4 times a day I have become so malas tapi cepat betul bosan.

I need a hobby especially on weekends, something that could distract me from feeling lonely tapi Kal El tak nak a hobby that needs to use money - bukan kedekut tapi if a hobby takes up some portion from my income and later on stresses me up, I don't really call that a hobby. Lagipun I have better needs to use my money for medical supplies and what nots related to being sick - costly I tell you gaji juta-juta pun takkan cukup!

I wanna do something yang, well, not totally free and not too expensive either, suitable for a handicapped like me. Also suitable for someone who has to have a clean and sterile place for dialysis every five to six hourly. Hmmmm apa ek, oh yes, and something that does not confine me within these four walls that I call my home - cerewet tapi that's what I need right now - to go out!

Not that I hate being at home but I have stayed home too much lately and I want to see the world and enjoy my life like I used to. I miss those days when I was free to do and go wherever I want. Now that I have Ms. Livvy I think I am a step closer to being 'free' tapi do not know what I want to do exactly.

I wish that I can have my dearest on weekends but that is just impossible. I am not sure whether my dearest really spend time with the family or with friends or god knows who but it is impossible to get this love of my life to be here on weekends with me. Simply couldn't or refuse to, I just don't know. Worse still, lately my dearest returns home very late on Sundays - the more reason why I need to get out and enjoy myself, alone.

Movies? Maybe not. I have been watching too much movies and sitcoms ever since I got sick - imagine watching 4 - 5 movies every weekend? Boleh muntah lor sampai nak tulis review dalam ni pun dah tak lalu. Furthermore I rather go to the movies with my better half.

So, whoever is reading this and if you think you know me, or even if you do not personally know me, if you know what I like, maybe what I used to like doing (banyak dah hilang ingatan sekarang ni) please, suggest me a hobby. I thank you if you do. I really need a hobby real soon for my sanity.

G.O.O.D.B.Y.E Jacko & Farrah

If Michael had indeed converted to Islam and changed his name to Mikaeel as claimed,
Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioun..Al Fatihah.

The world received the shocking and sad news of the King of Pop's demise yesterday evening. Being a fan of his magnificent music and sleek dance moves since I was a kid, I am saddened especially thinking how this icon's life turned out to be a tragic comic lately. From an entertainer to someone who experiments with his looks, being frowned upon with scandalous cases of child molestation towards the end of his life.

As a kid I was truly amazed at Jacko's ability to dance. His cool moves in the music videos had always become our (my cousin sisters and I) material and entertaining idea for aerobic session at the hall of our small home. We had lots of good times with Jacko's music when we were young.

To Jacko, thank you for the music, may it continue to 'Heal the World'...

**********

August 29, 1958: Born in Gary, Indiana.
August 1962: Singing debut with his brothers, The Jackson Five.
March 1969: First Jackson Five contract with Tamla Motown, Detroit's black-owned record label. Michael's voice propels the group onto the hit parade with "ABC" and "I'll Be There".
1970: Launch of solo career alongside that of the Jackson Five.
August 1979: Release of "Off The Wall" album, produced by Quincy Jones, which sold 11 million copies.
December 1982 release of "Thriller" album, whose seven hits included "Billie Jean" and "Beat It," pushing sales to 50 million copies worldwide.
1984: Jackson's face gets burnt during filming for a Pepsi ad.
1985: Buys ATV Music -- a company with rights to John Lennon and Paul McCartney songs -- for 47.5 million dollars.
1985: Jackson writes "We Are The World," which benefited the fight against hunger in Africa.
1987: Release of "Bad," which sold 26 million copies and marked the end of his collaboration with Quincy Jones.
1988: His autobiography "Moonwalk" comes out.
1990: Michael Jackson is seen for the first time wearing a surgical mask in public.
1992: Release of "Dangerous," which sold 22 million copies.
August 1993: A father accuses Jackson of molesting his 13-year-old son, but settles out of court.
May 1994: February 1996: marriage to Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis.
June 1995: Release of "History" album.
November 1996-October 1999: Marriage to Debbie Rowe, a 37-year-old nurse with whom he has two children, Prince Michael and Paris Michael Katherine.
October 2001: Release of "Invincible".
July 2002: Jackson accuses record labels of exploiting artists, especially African-Americans.
November 19, 2002: Scandal after Jackson dangles his third son, nine-month-old Prince Michael II, from a Berlin Hotel balcony.
January 31, 2003: Sotheby's auction house sues for non-payment of 1.7 million dollars for two paintings.
February 3: In documentary "Living with Michael Jackson" broadcast on ITV, Jackson claims never to have abused a child, merely to have shared his bed.
February: The singer's manager brings a 13-million-dollar lawsuit for back salary, which is settled out of court in June.
November 18: Police raid Jackson's Neverland ranch in California as "Number Ones" album is released.
November 19: Warrant issued for Jackson's arrest on several counts of child molestation.
November 20: Jackson is arrested and handcuffed after surrendering to police, held briefly then released on bail.
December 18: Michael Jackson is formally charged with child molestation.
January 16, 2004: Jackson pleads not guilty during his first appearance amid a media circus.
January 31, 2005: Michael Jackson trial begins with jury selection.
February 28, 2005: Opening arguments begin in trial.
June 4, 2005: Jurors begin considering their verdict.
June 13, 2005: Jackson acquitted on all charges against him.
November 2008: Jackson was said to have converted into Islam.
March 5, 2009: Jackson announces series of comeback concerts in London -- billed as the "final curtain" -- his first major shows for more than a decade.
May 20, 2009: Jackson delays comeback shows. Concert organizers say singer's health is "fantastic".
June 25, 2009: Jackson reported dies in Los Angeles after suffering cardiac arrest

**********

**********

Also, Goodbye to Farrah Fawcett, one of the original Charlie's Angels who had also left us on the morning of June 25th to Cancer.

H.A.P.P.Y

I was indeed the HAPPIEST man on earth last couple of nights. Look at how I was enjoying myself at Krispy Kreme after so many months of staying home and getting dead bored.

I was genuinely feeling very happy, fulfilled, satisfied - this night KN finally took me out and we had a good time together - something we haven't done in a verrryyy long time. Just the night before I posted an entry of how bored and disappointed I was with my mundane life - frustrating really but two nights ago, I've totally forgotten my sorrows. Thank God, thanks KN.

I have been looking forward for such night for months ever since I lost my leg and had to undergo dialysis and it came to reality tonight. Walaupun Kal El kene banyak jalan kat Midvalley (you know how huge the place is) and from Midvalley we walked to the cinema at Signature GSC The Gardens (Tuhan je tahu betapa sakit kaki Kal El berjalan) namun, I am really, really honestly happy. I just can't describe my feelings better...

Kal El: Harap there will be many more nights like this in the future!

B.O.R.E.D

Yang sebenarnya Kal El lately ni sangat bosan. I am so bored that I find going to Giant exciting. Well, since I was amputated boleh kira berapa banyak kali Kal El pi jalan-jalan. Yeap I went to Kota Kinabalu in February and there's the once a month visit to Jusco for grocery shopping plus maybe an extra visit to (again) Jusco for JCard Day last month. Other than that - nil, zero, takde apa. Ok la to be fair, I went to The Gardens last week to get the Transformers ticket at Signatures and esok I'm going there again to watch the movie. Tapi tu je la.

On weekends Kal El tak pergi mana, terperap kat rumah sorang-sorang since KN as usual balik rumah parents dia and lately ni dia balik lambat sangat on Sundays. Kalau dulu-dulu petang dah balik by 3 or 4pm kadangkala tu pagi lagi dah sampai. Lately ni selagi tak gelap, tak malam dia takkan sampai rumah.

I am not complaining (hehehe abis tu apa ke namanya ni?) Kal El bersyukur I still go out to work and can enjoy the MRR2 scenery everytime, to and from work and once a while kalau ada meetings kat KLCC ke, I get tosee the scenery from office to KLCC and back. I just need to pour this out. Sometimes I feel sesak nafas having to stay indoors all the time. I haven't been driving and since the car currently is manual manouvre, I can forget about ever wanting to drive. I depend on others to take me around tapi there's just no one to do so.

My siblings dengan hidup diorang, well, I know they love me but I can't them and interrupt their lives just to take me out tapi apa salahnya once in a while do so with a brother? I know somehow KN pi jalan-jalan bila dia balik Shah Alam, without me. I don't blame KN at all. Mungkin dia rasa leceh bawa orang kurang upaya macam Kal El ni. Ye la, jalan lambat, susah nak panjat tangga, kene pimpin, cepat letih, and I have to stricly follow my dialysis schedule - every 5 hours otherwise I'll have to plan my outings (if ever there was going to be any lah). Atau mungkin dia malu punya seseorang seperti aku.

I cannot say much. KN has done alot for me lately. Kalau aku bising or complain I will sound macam tak kenang budi but I just want my life to be like it was before - I want to gout for weekly movies, pi karaoke, gastronomic outings. I am tired of having to stay home especially on weekends. When at home, I am confined to my bedroom, nak tengok astro pun tak lalu. I watch movies (kekadang 5 - 6 movies per weekend), TV series downloaded from the Internet and godeh-godeh Internet dengan laptop ni. I have plenty of office work but weekends? Please la, nak fikir pasal kerja pun malas on weekends.

Most of the time Kal El sedih. On Sundays I would be waiting and hoping KN would come back early and take me out sampaikan everytime I would end up going to bed early just to cover my frustration. But how can I tell KN what I want? Kesian kat dia pun...

I just wish things are not so much different than before my leg was amputated or before I am diagnosed with renal failure. Sampaikan our trip to Makassar in April pun KN cancelled. Aku turutkan aja sebab afterall, KN yang akan jaga Kal El kat sana nanti. Takpe lah, burn saja tiket tu, what's done cannot be undone and Air Asia pun takkan bagi refund. Let it be.

Right now I will say yes walau ke mana pun orang ajak aku pergi. I just want the opportunity to go out to see the world. I have lost so much in life and this shouldn't be one of it. I work hard to be able to enjoy what I earn. It's frustrating, dissapointing that the fruits of my labor cannot be tasted but instead habis bayar loan and what nots.

I'm sorry for writing like this but I just need to get it out my system. There's no flow to what I wrote, theres no coherence even.

I am trapped, I am jailed inside my own home.

A Decision NOT Made Together

Well, there are some things even married couples are not meant to make decisions together (although I personally think everything should be of the two's consensus) but whatever it is I'm happy for my other half's decision to purchase an apartment in Shah Alam. Not that I'm against my laling (that's what I call the love of my life if I haven't told you guys so) buying a property, and not that I am not aware of my laling's intention to buy a property but this is the second time a purchase was made and I was not brought to the know.

The first was the car and now the apartment. I'm not expecting my laling to get my permission but at least I would appreciate if I am somehow 'involved' in KN's decision to go ahead with the purchase. The saddest thing is I gotta know about this on the way home from work just now when the transaction was made yesterday afternoon. It took my laling 24 hours to tell me. I know somehow that my laling is worried about the uncertain future especially when I am not around. I know that my laling is buying a shelter for a a reason only the two of us know. My laling deserves this and I vow to give my love my full undivided support. Well, it's just a matter of heart. At least when I write it down here, I am letting things go.

Yes, I am bit kecik hati because whatever I want to get these past five years, no matter how much it costs, I will usually ask for my laling's opinion. I treasure my laling's points of view because I treasure our relationship very much. Well, it's my laling's money, I shall not interfere but it brought the word 'marriage' to a new level - ground zero, meaningless I guess. Somehow sometimes I feel that we're two individuals having different views about marriage. My laling asked me not to be angry and I'm not, why should I be angry? For being left out in the decision making process? I don't think so, like I said, it's not even my earnings that my laling is spending on.

I'm writing this entry to express my feelings as I have no one to tell this to. If I were to tell my laling how I truly feel, I'm sure this love of mine would soon jump into negative conclusions and merajuk worse than I am right now and I would have to pujuk my laling like I was the one at fault. So be it. I am happy that my laling's finally ready for more financial commitment and I hope the loan will be approved soon. My laling's achievements in life is a winning point for me - I am proud to have been able to guide my laling all these while and I hope my laling will continue making the correct decisions. Especially when I am no longer around. Believe me, I love you.

Happy 5th Anniversary Sayang!

Today marks the 5th year we're together and I hope we'll be together for the rest of our lives. Even after i'm gone, I hope you will still remember and love me. Thank you my dear for taking good care of me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for always being there for me. Only God knows how much I love you and how much my love for you grows each and every second I live with you.

Thanks for the bouquet of flower - it is as sweet as you. I love you more and more each day sayang. May God bless us.

A Poem I Wrote

I wrote this down back in the year 2000. Venue: Hotel Capitol, Kuala Lumpur.

WHEN I DIE

When I die,
If I could come back as anything
it would be as your tears.
How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart,
born in your eyes,
live on your cheeks
and die on your lips.
Wouldn't that be grand to feel that way?

I found this written on a piece of paper in between a book I was reading when clearing my study room the other weekend but I can't remember who I wrote it for. Perhaps this one person I was so deeply in love with. Unfortunately our relationship wasn't long for me to be reborn as the person's tears.

But fortunate for me, now I have met someone who is far more superior in terms of sharing love and life with me for the past 5 years. I dedicate the poem above to this one person who will remain always in my heart, now and forever.

I love YOU.

What Valentine's Means to Me

I just love Valentine's. Not that LOVE can't be expressed on any other days throughout the year Valentine's is the time to prove your vow for love and especially to celebrate LOVE. It is the effort put to celebrate Valentine's that makes it sweet and meaningful. On other days you can love your other half all you want but on Valentine's you love the person even more!
Valentine's to me is a day to thank the love of my life for the sacrifices done and the love that was given the past year. Valentine's the time to look back and laugh at the mistakes and smile at the sweet moments we've gone through together. Valentine's the time to plan ahead for the future of our love life and Valentine's definitely is the time to celebrate our love for each other and hope for it to continue till the end of our lives.

Don't be afraid to celebrate Valentine's for not the culture of the West that we're following but the good things that it brings to a relationship.

To the love of my life, thank you for everything that you've done, the sacrifices you've made and the endless and undivided love you've given.

I LOVE YOU. Thanks sayang for the lovely flowers. Muahs!